How (Not) to Give Feedback: Responsibility, Ego, and Relationships, with John Poelstra

Feedback is often presented as a skill or a technique. Say the right words. Use the right framework. Follow the right steps. And yet, feedback conversations still go wrong.

In this episode of Le Podcast on Emerging Leadership, I had the great pleasure of welcoming John Poelstra to explore a very personal experience around providing feedback and the deeper dynamics at play.

Feedback is more than a message. One of the key distinctions we explore is the difference between the content of the feedback and how that feedback is delivered. What is said matters, but how it is said — and how people show up in the conversation — often matters more.

Ego, expectations, and responsibility. A large part of the conversation focuses on the role of ego in feedback: what happens when feedback challenges our self-image, how expectations and unmet needs shape our reactions, and who is responsible for the experience we have during feedback conversations. Rather than placing responsibility on one side, this episode highlights how responsibility exists on both ends of the interaction.

Feedback as a relationship. John introduces a powerful idea: feedback is not a one-off event, but part of an ongoing relationship. The "dance" between people, their history, and how they relate to each other all influence how feedback is received and interpreted. When feedback becomes polarized or framed as a win–lose exchange, it almost always makes things worse.

Showing up differently. A recurring theme is that how you show up in a feedback conversation makes a significant difference. Presence, intention, and curiosity often have more impact than any technique.

If you have ever struggled to give feedback without creating tension or defensiveness, this episode offers a deeper lens — moving away from techniques and toward responsibility, relationship, and awareness of how you show up with others.